im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
