just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
