My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize