My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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