All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
