I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize