I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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