Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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