he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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