What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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