Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
