Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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