My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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