Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
