Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
