I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
