i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She bit a glass in half.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
