bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
