I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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