i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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