Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
