I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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