Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
