I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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