I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
did i walk over a car last night?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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