I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
