youre lurking in front of me
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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