u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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