I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
