I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she told me i tasted like america
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
