apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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