I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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