Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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