well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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