I look better un-naked...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize