distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize