Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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