She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
