His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize