I faked an abortion last night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
