it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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