how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
