Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize