True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
