hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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