This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
