I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
