I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
