You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Buhtt sex?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
