I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
