dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
