Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
