i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
