I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
