i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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