i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
