My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
