I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
